STEP EIGHT

We made a list of all persons
we had harmed and became willing
to make amends to them all.

  • God, grant me the serenity
    to accept the things I cannot change,
    the courage to change the things I can,
    and the wisdom to know the difference.
    Living one day at a time,
    enjoying one moment at a time,
    accepting hardships as the pathway to peace, taking, as he did, this sinful world as it is,
    not as I would have it,
    trusting that he will make all things right
    if I surrender to his will—
    that I may be reasonably happy in this life
    and supremely happy with him forever.
    Amen.

    THE SERENITY PRAYER

DIRECTION

  • Make a list of the people you’ve hurt. If in doubt, put them on the list. The work we did earlier in confessing will help us get off to a good start. You will need time to do this. Go ahead and write down one name now just to get momentum. You can even just do it mentally if you’re afraid someone will see.

    Here’s exactly how:

    • Write down the name of each person you’ve hurt.

    • Write down your hurtful action.

    • Write down the character flaw (greed, grandiosity, deception, envy,

      bitterness, apathy, vanity, sloth, self-righteousness, etc., behind each

      hurt).

    • Answer this question: “Am I willing to make amends to the other

      person?” (Yes/No/Maybe)

  • Walk through some FAQs around making the list and becoming willing:

    • Do I have to list everyone I have ever harmed?

      • Yes.

    • What if I don’t know where they are?

      • That doesn’t matter. This isn’t a list of people whose location you know.

    • What if they hurt me more than I hurt them?

      • We’ve all had this thought since we were six years old, but it doesn’t help. For one thing, you’re in no position to be objective. However, even if they did hurt you in much greater ways, your focus in the amends process is on what you have done. You’re cleaning your house, not theirs.

    • What if they don’t deserve to be forgiven?

      • What if God asked that question about you?

    • What if I’ve hurt one person multiple times?

      • Write down each incident. Some names will have many incidents. Being concrete will pay rich dividends of healing and growth.

    • This could be a long list. It could take me a long time to write it.

      • Yes

  • Practice Forgiving

    Five tasks are necessary for emotional forgiveness:

    • Remembering the hurt (honestly and objectively)

    • Recalling events empathetically

    • Forgiving altruistically

    • Committing publicly to forgiveness

    • Holding on to forgiveness continually

    Write Expressively

    If you find yourself with a deep hurt or trauma that keeps impacting your life, one powerful practice is called expressive writing. Focus on the traumatic event or season that causes you the greatest pain. Get a journal, and for twenty minutes write without filter or self-censoring directly about these events. Focus particularly on your emotional responses to them. What did you feel and think?

    At the end of twenty minutes, stop.

Encouraging quotes and scripture

  • Luke 19:8 (Zacchaeus)

    • "Look, Lord! Here and now I give half of my possessions to the poor, and if I have cheated anybody out of anything, I will pay back four times the amount."

    Genesis 50:15-21 (Joseph and His Brothers):

    • "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." (Joseph’s forgiveness and perspective) .

    The Lord’s Prayer (excerpt):

    • "Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors"

  • Clint Eastwood, Unforgiven:

    • "Deserve’s got nothin’ to do with it." (Referencing the idea that forgiveness and grace are not about deserving) .

    Summary from the text:

    • "We cannot be in a relationship of love with Jesus and continue to harm the people around him" .

    Stanford neuroscientist Anna Lembke:

    • "When we live in hiddenness and denial, we actually disconnect the reward pathway part of our brain from the higher cortical brain regions that allow us to narrate our life stories and exercise judgment" .

    John Owen:

    • "Men heal their wounds slightly." (On the importance of deep healing through amends) .

    Philip Yancey:

    • "The only thing harder than forgiveness is the alternative."

    Everett Worthington:

    • Differentiates between decisional forgiveness (choosing not to seek revenge) and emotional forgiveness (transforming the heart through empathy and compassion) .

ADDITIONAL QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION

  • What fears or hesitations do you have about seeking to repair broken relationships?

    How do you define forgiveness, and what role does empathy play in your ability to forgive others?

    How might forgiving someone bring freedom to them and also to you?

    How does viewing God’s purpose in painful experiences, as seen in Joseph’s story, challenge or inspire your perspective on forgiving those who have wronged you?

Pray for each other to close.

Continue to Step Nine